It’s no secret that today’s parents are showing up differently. We’re the generation determined to break harmful cycles and raise our children with more empathy, presence, and understanding than we may have experienced ourselves. But what doesn’t get talked about enough is how incredibly hard that is—especially when you’re still trying to make sense of your own emotions.

I remember the moment I realized I was being triggered by my daughter’s tantrums. The crying, yelling, and flailing set off an internal alarm I didn’t even know existed. Suddenly, I was in fight-or-flight mode, desperate to make it all stop. That often meant giving in, backing down, or reacting in ways I wasn’t proud of. I knew I wanted to be a calm and connected parent—but my nervous system was telling a different story.

When Toddlerhood Hits, So Does Reality

Things came to a head when my daughter hit the toddler years. I realized I needed to stop white-knuckling my way through meltdowns and start understanding what was happening inside of me. I started listening to podcasts, reading books, and slowly peeling back layers of my own upbringing and emotional habits. Spoiler: it’s not an overnight transformation. There’s no quick fix. This is deep, ongoing work.

This Work Is Not Easy—but It’s Worth It

Working on your mental health while raising a little one is a lot like running a marathon while carrying a backpack full of emotional baggage. You want to model emotional regulation for your child, but you’re still figuring out how to regulate yourself. And that’s okay. Here are a few things I’ve learned that have helped along the way:

1. Give Yourself—and Your Kids—Grace

Let go of the idea that you have to be calm and cheerful all the time. You’re allowed to have bad days. Your kids are allowed to have them too. The real growth happens when you show your children how you handle those hard days. Saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need a minute to breathe,” teaches them way more than pretending to be unbothered.

2. It Often Gets Messier Before It Gets Clearer

Digging into past wounds and old habits can be messy. I’ve had moments where I felt like I was moving backwards—more yelling, more frustration, more guilt. But those moments are part of the process. You’re unlearning old patterns while trying to build new ones. It’s not a straight line, and it’s not supposed to be. Keep going anyway.

Journaling, stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, music, and even talking aloud to myself are tools I lean on. And sometimes, my daughter reminds me to use them. “Mama, do your breathing,” she’ll say, and we’ll sit together and take deep breaths. Those moments feel like little victories.

3. Repair Is Always an Option

One of the most freeing lessons I’ve learned is that it’s never too late to repair. Whether I snapped out of exhaustion or reacted out of stress, I’ve learned to come back and say, “I’m sorry. I was feeling really overwhelmed, and I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to.”

I try to do this without blaming others or brushing it off. I want my daughter to know that adults make mistakes too—and that making things right matters more than pretending we didn’t mess up.

What’s beautiful is that children notice. They learn. My daughter has started to apologize for yelling or being upset, not because I forced an apology, but because she’s learning what it looks like to take responsibility for emotions and actions. That’s powerful.

You’re Allowed to Be a Work-in-Progress

Let’s be real—parenting is hard enough without the added pressure of healing past trauma, managing mental health, or reparenting yourself in real-time. But if that’s your path, know that you’re not alone. You’re not failing because it’s hard. You’re doing the work, and that matters.

So let’s remind each other: You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent. You can show up, make mistakes, take a breath, and try again. And in doing that, you’re showing your children how to be resilient, empathetic humans too.

You’re doing better than you think.